"My people are broken—shattered!— and they put on Band-Aids, Saying, ‘It’s not so bad. I’ll be just fine.’ But things are not ‘just fine’! Do you suppose they are embarrassed over this outrage? No, they have no shame. They don’t even know how to blush. There’s no hope for them. They’ve hit bottom and there’s no getting up. As far as I’m concerned, they’re finished.” God has spoken." Jeremiah 6:13-15
I feel a great sense of shame today as I type this. Ashamed of myself, my actions, and my lack of willingness to address the issue. Applying band-aids, hitting bottom, not getting up. Yep, that's me. Do I feel finished? Yeah, I really do.
See, in August of 2010, I had hit what I thought was my rock bottom, and I decided it was time to make some drastic changes in my life. I weighed 353 pounds - yes, I typed it - and I felt like a massive heap of unworthiness.
My 40th birthday was set to hit quickly that next February and I was determined that I didn't want the last 1/2 of my life to be as rough as my first 1/2 had been. I began investigating what I could do, and with a lot of family support and encouragement from a few friends, I decided to take my health into my own hands and had gastric bypass surgery in October of that year.
As you're preparing for the surgery, you go through multiple doctor's visits, and the surgeon always, always says that "gastric surgery is not the quick fix or easy answer, but it is a TOOL to help in your weight loss surgery". You are cautioned that your food intake and exercise are crucial as you make long lasting changes to your lifestyle.
Armed with that knowledge, the journey began. In the span of a year or so, I lost 150+ pounds. With that, my self-esteem exploded. I began going places, doing things, experiencing life. A whole new world opened up to me. Suddenly, I found myself caring about what my hair looked like, did I have the right accessories with the right shoes, and I made choices that put me first.
Yes, it was great. It was wonderful to have the support of my family, my friends, my co-workers, and my God on my side. It was great..........
.............But WHAT IF?
What if, shortly after losing all that weight, you are told on your job that you have one choice to make: leave or be fired?
What if, after choosing to leave, you laid on your couch for close to two years without a job, and sometimes not even caring?
What if, you weren't connected to a church home that gave you grounding?
What if, your heart "caved in" and kept you from reaching out to your friends?
What if, you dove into volunteering in roles that did not encourage you, fill you, or give you any return on your investment?
What if, those fast food places that you never imagined ever going into again suddenly didn't seem all that unappealing?
What if, the shame that cloaked itself around your body, your mind, your spirit all those years ago came flooding back, threatening to choke the life out of you?
What if SHAME re-enters your life?
It's now been almost four years since that surgery. Yes, I lost a lot of weight. Yes, I'm proud of that fact. Yes, it helped me lose several dress sizes. Yes, I met the man of my dreams during that time, and yes, I'm getting married. Yes, he loves me no matter what. Yes, I now have a wonderful job, church, friends, family, etc.
But what I also have is a tremendous amount of shame. Not guilt, mind you, for guilt is a temporary moment in time. You get over guilt quickly. Guilt says, "I did something wrong". Shame is another vicious monster altogether. Shame says, "I am wrong".
Shame says, "I know I shouldn't eat that pizza, but it's so good, and it won't make a difference, so you should go ahead and do it."
Shame says, "Exercise? Why bother? You'll sweat. You'll hurt. You'll look like a fool in front of all those other in shape people who'll be laughing at you. Besides, Netflix is calling."
Shame says, "Face it. You're fat. You've always been fat. You'll always be fat. It won't change. Just deal with it and move on."
Shame says, "Nothing will ever change."
.............But WHAT IF?
What if I choose to refute the lies? What if I acknowledge that, yes, I've gained back some of those precious 150 pounds. But, what if I also acknowledge that the same way they came off the first time wasn't good enough? What if I admit that I didn't go "all in" on the surgery after care and didn't park my butt at a gym? What if I try to muster the courage and strength and self-care to start physically taking care of myself again? What if I turn down the pizza and go for a healthier alternative?
WHAT IF I turn that SHAME into a MOTIVATOR?
What if....................What if God can redeem my shame? What would it be like to be left speechless as I witness His transformative powers?
"You’ll remember your past life and face the shame of it, but when I make atonement for you, make everything right after all you’ve done, it will leave you speechless.’” Decree of God, the Master." Ezekial 16
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